Satire

New and Improved Dress Code: A Letter From Your Principal

By: Hadriana Lowenkron

Photo credit to Columbia High School

Good afternoon CHS Cougars!

I have recently obtained a copy of New Jersey’s latest ranking of public high schools, and it appears that our ranking is below average with regard to academics. Our students’ focus in the classroom has diminished lately, and I think I know why: the warm weather. Summer is upon us, and with that warm weather comes responsibility regarding how to dress for it.

The members of the South Orange Maplewood School District have worked very hard to create a dress code that applies to all students -- as opposed to one that is gender-specific and/or gender-binary -- in an effort to allow students to learn with the smallest amount of distractions possible:

1. No hats. It is important that every student is able to see his/her classmate’s hair without spending valuable time wondering what it could look like under a hat.
2. No open-toed shoes especially when wearing nail polish. Toes are fascinating body parts and are extremely distracting to look at it. And toes with neon colored nail polish? Forget it.
3. No holes in jeans. We are in a school setting, not in an alley. Let’s look professional, please.
4. No bra straps. You’d be surprised how many students claim the reason they failed their tests is because they spent all their mental energy resisting the urge to look at them.
5. Length of shorts should be no shorter than three inches above the knee. I have discussed this measurement in great detail with other principals at higher ranked high schools, and have decided that two inches is much more effective in reducing distractions than three inches, which was the measurement listed in last year’s dress code. I have also taken the liberty of listing stores where such shorts can be found: Nordstrom, Land’s End, and Gap.
6. Bottoms must start at or above the waist, and underwear must not be seen. In this case, the higher up, the better. Perhaps think of them as a new style of shirt.

If you have any uncertainty about whether or not an article of clothing is appropriate, feel free to bring it in for clarification. If there are any more violations, I will have no choice but take money from our Fine and Performing Arts department and put it toward school uniforms. Anything to protect the learning of our students.

Thank you,

Elizabeth M. Aaron, MAT, M.Ed.

Principal  

How to Get Ready for Prom! Tricks and Tips from One Girl to Another

By: Hadriana Lowenkron

Photo Credit to Pinterest 

The best part of senior year is arguably senior prom. It is something that we have looked forward to since the day we were old enough to say the word “prom,” and so it must be done right. As an experienced prom go-er, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide my fellow girls with some tricks of the trade to ensure an unforgettable prom night.

1. Start letting the boys in your grade know you’re available and in need of a prom date a few months prior to prom. That way, even if he’s not your first choice, you’ll still have a boy to go with. And, if you’re a shy person, have no fear; he’ll do the asking. You just have to say yes!
2. Gather your girlfriends together when beginning the process of shopping for a dress.  This will generate some laughs -- and compensate for how stressful the act of choosing the perfect outfit will be.
3. Speaking of the perfect outfit, three words apply: spare no expense. Aside from maybe your wedding day, this is the most important day of your life! I say go big or go home: the more rhinestones the better.
4. It’s very important to establish a line between classy and trashy. Here are some measurements to keep in mind: the slit in your dress should not exceed one foot in length, and stilettos should not be taller than five inches. However, it is of course important to keep in mind that a girl should never be taller than her prom date. So for all of you tall ladies out there, adjust accordingly. Worst comes to worst (and I know this is truly the worst), I’d recommend investing in flats.
5. When picking the perfect prom hairstyle, you can never go wrong with beachy waves. According to a new poll by Vogue (the fashion bible that should be consulted at least once a day), long hair is in. Start planning your haircuts now! For you bold short-haired ladies, don’t worry. Bobs will have to suffice.
6. Makeup is key to bringing out your inner beauty. I know that everybody says “beauty is what’s on the inside,” but in my opinion, everybody looks better with a little touch-up, the key word being “little.” Everything should look natural. In fact, to the untrained eye, it should look like you didn’t put any on at all. A good price to spend on this natural look is about 75 dollars.
7. Although senior prom occurs in early summer,  I know that not all of you ladies will have had the chance to start tanning. Thus, some tanning salons I recommend are: Sugared + Bronzed, Beach Bum Tanning, and Urban Tanz. The darker the better, but keep in mind that orange is not in style. To determine what shade is too orange, simply compare it to President Trump’s skin. Enough said.

If you follow all of these tips, there is no doubt you will have a truly memorable senior prom. If there are any tips of your own you feel I’ve forgotten, feel free to let me know. Make sure to take tons of photos, and share them at #prom2k17.  After all, the whole point of prom is to increase your social media presence!